How do you deal with interactions you have with others which catapult you out of a calm state into one you would much rather not be in. Do you find yourself able to step away and reflect on possible causes, identifying compromises or win-win solutions? Perhaps it depends on the nature of the conflict, who it is with and how much it matters
Reacting rather than responding
Maybe, like most people, you find yourself reacting to conflict rather than responding: – starting to argue, finding all the reasons the other person is in the wrong and you are in the right, ruminating, replaying the conversation, composing follow up emails. Most of us have a familiar pattern: some become aggressive, others anxious, wanting to get away, others accommodate, giving in to keep the peace and others may go into shutdown.
Normal valuable human responses to threat
I rather hope most of these are familiar to you because they are all normal human psychophysiological responses to threat. There is nothing wrong with any of them; they can all be valuable and appropriate from time to time. It is the habitual, often unconscious responses that are worthy of reflection because they can get in the way of the harmonious relationships most of us crave.
More about shutdown
The shutdown response is perhaps the least well recognised. It’s one I have become curious about recently as I realise how often I do this. The more I notice this in myself the more I see it in others especially in women. Do you recognise it in yourself?
It feels ordinary
One of the problems with bringing this state into consciousness is that it feels normal. It doesn’t feel like there is anything wrong with it. I carry on behaving well, saying the right thing and being helpful. It’s just that when I pay attention I realise I can no longer feel my body and that I am hardly breathing. I don’t imagine anyone else can see what has happened to me, but I now suspect that embodied people would notice.
A sense of separation
I find my shutdown response is accompanied by a very distinct feeling of separation. When I inquire further, I discover that behind it sits dislike, disparagement or even hatred for others. I cannot imagine finding a calm reflective state to ponder the conflict and the other person’s perspective.
Powerlessness
The state feels very young and very powerless. I don’t feel it is possible to stand my ground, and I don’t believe that anyone else cares about what is happening to me.
Infant origins
It is this feeling that gives me the clue that what I am dealing with has been with me probably for all my life. It is a psychophysiological defence I developed as a baby or very young child; one in which I learnt how to separate/freeze my distress and carry on as though nothing has happened.
Good babies
If whoever was looking after me as a baby had recognised what had happened to me and wanted to bring me back to a healthier state, I might have developed a different defence. But most parents like babies who go into shut down because they don’t make a fuss, they are undemanding and even dissociate into a sleep-like state. Parents don’t see that there is a problem.
Effects of shutdown
Does it matter? Isn’t it a good thing that children learn to fit in and not to make a fuss?
It depends how this is achieved. Children can, at appropriate ages, learn all these things consciously and are then able to employ their skills in a helpful way. The difference is that they have choices and that when something important is happening that is not OK, they can disagree and insist on behaviour change in others.
Effects of habitual or frequent shutdown
If shutdown becomes a habitual response to conflict or threat, there is no choice and no possibility of standing up for self or others when this is important. Interpersonal conflict is normal and common and those with a habitual shutdown defence will spend a lot of their lives in this unhealthy physiological state and this will ultimately have health consequences.
Healing shutdown
The little recognised and unappreciated magic of personal development is that bringing unconscious patterns into consciousness and greeting them with kindness and curiosity starts the process of change. It allows a conscious response.
Taking the state seriously
Now that I recognise my shutdown response I take the state seriously and do my best to stop what I am doing and take care of myself. What I don’t do is take the content of the conflict seriously. I know things will look different when I can get myself out of that state and that it is a good idea not to try and do anything other than be kind to myself when I am in it.
Like changing any habit, it takes practice
I don’t always manage this of course; I still need to remind myself that I want to change this habit from the past. Sometimes I persuade myself that what I am doing is more important than what I am feeling and I override my distress. But often now I don’t do that. And gradually slowly my shutdown state is starting to feel abnormal.
Rewards
It’s a work in progress, but one that is already delivering rewards. Parts of my body that have been frozen are coming into consciousness and feeling very happy to be alive. The skill of interoception – experiencing my body from inside – makes this possible. It is one I have learnt from embodiment practitioners and practices and one that I now help others discover from themselves on Embodied Presence workshops (see more here.)
Embodiment insights and practices are not the only skills needed to modify habitual defences. Psychological understanding and spiritual practices are all important. But I sense that the patterns and habits that were laid down before cognitive intelligence developed are unlikely to become integrated and unreactive without some degree of embodiment. And of course.because they have always been there, these are the patterns that it is most challenging to bring to awareness. It takes a leap of faith to believe that it is possible to live without them.
